Missing Z

I remember as a little girl, all I really wanted out of life was to be a wife and a mom.  I had all these grandiose dreams of taking care of my husband and being the perfect parent to my plethora of children.  In the roughly 2 1/2 years since my divorce, I have learned to let go of the picture of the kind of wife I always thought I would be; I clearly did not fill that role in the way I had hoped.  However, today my heart is broken in that I don't feel like I am able to be the kind of parent I want to be either.  It's true that I won't be, as a friend recently pointed out, singing Cats in the Cradle when my sons grow up, but I am not really able to be there for them--for Isaiah specifically in the way that I had hoped.  I miss raising my boys with their dad.  I hate only seeing Isaiah 4 days out of the month.  Four days!!!!  His childhood is but a moment, and while I'm proud of the young man he is becoming, in three years he will be moving on with his adult life and out of the house.  The four days I get now will seem an eternity in the future when girls, school, and work take over.  So I'm stuck in this place where I find myself wanting more time with Z and wanting to pour into his life, but realizing that there's no easy way to do this.  It seems crazy, but I find myself wondering if I could find a job in Longmont and rent out my place in Brighton to get to where Z is.  I miss my son.  I miss being a mom to both of my boys.  I don't know why I'm blogging all of this instead of just journaling it.  I guess so maybe you can share my burden and keep me in your prayers.  2 Corinthians 6:18 I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.